West Main's Corn Flake-coated cinnamon roll french toastLet’s get ready to [have a stomach] rumble! Even if you’re not normally a French toast person, which I wasn’t until recently, this French toast is going to kick your derriere and leave you sucking your thumb in the gutter. This French toast is going to smash your face and send you to the dentist. Okay, so French toast doesn’t have the muscle to do all that, but it has all the cunning and sneak-attack deadliness of French Savate boxing, and cinnamon to boot. Don’t come crying to me when this French toast pwns your manliness and your wallet. Because I’m giving you fair warning right now: This promises to be one of the deadliest cage matches yet.

In one corner is the beret-wearing, cigarette-holder-chomping, Corn Flake-encrusted, battered cinnamon roll from West Main. Its chewy, slightly spicy center is protected by an outer layer of delicate crunch that softens when you dip it into the well of syrup on the side. Two accompaniments of your choosing cheer it on from the sidelines. The last match featured solid, if uninspired, bacon, and expertly spiced home fries.

In the other corner and just a few blocks away is the insult-your-plebeian-high-school-French, fierce-runway-walking, powdered-sugared, cinnamon-streaked French toast from the Blue Moon Diner. It is thick, like Texas toast, and yet sensitive enough that it starts to break along its cinnamon veins when you dip it in or smother it with the vanilla-ginger syrup that accompanies it. On the sidelines are some svelte sliced fruits, looking pretty but not doing much else. If you’re willing to pay the big bucks, you can get a few strips of artisan bacon in your corner, which definitely makes for a more interesting fight.

After many a punch thrown and taken, with commentators shaking their heads in amazement at the evenness of the match-up, it is West Main that is declared the winner at the end. Its unique style and greater moistness, combined with better sides and less surly service, prove unbeatable, even with the strangely compelling bi-curious syrup and cinnamon tattoos at the other place.